Our Missed Miscarriage

Thursday, August 1st, Wade and I walked into the Healing Sanctuary for our first ultrasound at 9 weeks. We hadn't told very many people we were pregnant at this time, and we were excited to see our little babe. I was a little anxious going into the ultrasound, because we had been trying to figure out insurance stuff all morning. I had lost my card, so I was calling the company trying to get my Id and group numbers, but had been placed on hold, transferred here and there..etc. Anyway, we walked into the appointment and I filled out the necessary paperwork. 

The ultra sound tech called us back and we followed her downstairs to the room. She had me undress and started asking Wade how many pregnancies, how they went, how old the kids were, etc. He told her everything had gone really well in the past, 2 pregnancies, Ivy and Max ages 5 and 2. I came out and she started moving the doppler around. On the screen, I saw the cutest little gummy bear. It made me smile and I was so excited to see it. It wasn't moving though. It was just there. I stared at the big screen and just watched as the tech turned her head, took some measurements, turned her head, and took some more measurements. I knew something wasn't right. Then she turned on the sound of the heartbeat. Static. She took a few more measurements, and then said she would be right back and that she was going to get Dr. Baker. 

I turned to Wade and said, "this is not good.." and  he said, "I don't think she can find the heartbeat." I immediately felt so sick. I put my hand to my forehead and just stared at the ceiling. Dr. Baker came in about 3 minutes later. He asked the tech to replay the ultra sound and grabbed my arm and said "They baby is measuring at 8 weeks 2 days, so the embryo has very recently died. There is no heartbeat. I'm so sorry, but you'll be miscarrying this baby. " I lost it. I full on lost it. The Dr. was holding my arm, wade holding my shoulder and the tech rubbing my knee. He started saying things like, "It's nothing you did, it's not your fault, 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriages, something didn't form right, it's not your fault, it's nothing you did, I'm sorry." I could not focus. I'm so glad Wade was there because I could not process everything that was happening all at once. He then went in to tell my options. My options were wait 4-6 weeks and let it pass naturally or I could schedule a D&C at the hospital. He left and the nurse gave us the paper to check out. I couldn't get myself to walk up to the front desk. She offered to let us out the back door, and I sobbed the entire way out. 

I cried in the car in the parking lot with Wade for over 20 minutes. We went on a long drive, and I cried. I'm not an emotional person, I feel everything, but I don't express it through tears. They would not stop. And they didn't stop for at least 3 days. I could not get it together. I asked Wade how he was feeling and at the time, just told me everything I needed to hear. "It's not your fault, it's not supposed to be, I love you..etc." Later he expressed his sadness and that he's trying to see the big picture through it all. He's been such a great support for me. He never left my side, he never questioned why I was so sad. He just was there, and really that's all I needed. 

We went to pick up the kids from my moms and I couldn't get myself to get out of the car. I had a huge headache from crying, I couldn't breathe right because truly, I was so sad. My mom came out and gave me a big hug and just held me. She cried with me. She didn't say much, but I didn't need her to. She took the kids for the rest of the day, and pretty much every day for the last week. It was so appreciated and needed. 

If I could describe this whole experience in one word, it would be "sad." Everything about it, every aspect from hearing it, delivering it, talking about it, dealing with it, and thinking about it is so sad. So incredibly sad. I've luckily not had the guilt of "Was it my fault? Was it something I did/didn't do?" which has been a huge blessing. I mostly struggle with the loneliness of not being pregnant. I struggle with the thought of what it could have looked like or been. 

We told Ivy about the baby not having a heartbeat. She cried. She asked a lot of questions about how the baby is going to come out if it's not alive and if it would hurt me. She was really concerned about that. She said, "Do you think you can go to the Dr. to take care of that, I really don't want to hear you be sad if it hurts." And then the saddest part came. I asked her a few days ago how she was feeling. She looked at me and said, "hold on a sec, mama" and then made her two hands into a heart shape. Then she broke her hands apart. And then she started to cry. She is the most sensitive and tender hearted soul and I love her for that. It's been a sad week around here to say the least. 

I've learned so much over the last week. It feels like an eternity. The days have been slow and sad. But I've learned so much. I've learned the more open I am with the process, the easier it is to heal. The more open I've been, the more people I've been able to connect and relate with. So many people in my life that I am close to have gone through the exact same experience and I had no idea. So many people struggle with this multiple times, again and again and you'd never know their inner struggle. If 1/4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, why isn't it talked about more? I want anyone to know who might be struggling with this, recent or not, multiple times or just once, D&C or natural, whatever, I am here for you. I would love to talk. I would love to hear your experience. I would love your advice. 

I talked to my brother who is an OBGYN in Texas. He mentioned Cytotec/Misoprotol which is a pill to help soften the cervix to help the embryo pass. It's supposed to make your cramp and bleed, and then eventually pass it. I opted that route, only because I did not want to pay 4,000-6,000 for a D&C. I also didn't think I could wait 4-6 weeks to have it pass on its own. I was really nervous to take the Cytotec because I had taken Cervidil (both similar) with Ivy before I was going to deliver her and it made me go into labor, full on contractions. I asked wade to give me a blessing the night before I took it, and our friend Mike came over and Wade cried through the entire blessing. I cried through the entire thing. It was just a really sweet experience, and like I’ve said before, this experience would have been so hard with out him. I don’t even want to think about it. The Cytotec hasn't worked well and my body is not processing the pill like it's supposed to. My hormones have leveled out a bit (and I literally mean only a bit), and I've come to terms with just letting my body naturally pass it on its own. So that's where we are right now, taking things a day at a time. 

This whole experience has been eye opening on so many levels, and even though it’s been so incredibly sad, it’s been humbling and inspiring and is continuing to help me become who I’m supposed to be. Is that so cheesy? I can’t help it. But you know, when you go through a huge trial, that’s what it does to you, fortunately, and unfortunately. It's helped Wade and I to be more empathetic and understanding. And everybody knows neither of those are my strengths. I know we have a long road ahead and it’s not over. I know some things have been taken from me that I can never get back. For example, the peace of going into the doctor’s office for an ultra sound will forever give me anxiety and stress, even thinking about that and typing it out sends me into panic mode. I also feel like my body in a way has betrayed me. What I mean by that is…Overall I feel like I am emotionally stable, physically healthy and I feel like I could have given this baby an amazing  life. I didn’t see any warning signs, and pain or anything, and with that, I still feel rejected by my own body. It all comes in waves, and the best thing I can do is talk it out with people, pray, and literally take it one day at a time. 

Thank you so much to everyone who has brought cookies. COOKIES. so many cookies. People know me. Thanks for the dinners, treats, cards, bright boxes, texts, prayers, shared experiences, but mostly the HUGS. I have needed the hugs. We have needed the hugs. Whenever I get one recently, I just cry. It's been so inspiring to see people who hear about our loss and offer any type of help. It's been so appreciated. 

 Love, 

Karly + Wade

Max + Ivy

EDIT: Sunday August 25th. 
WARNING: Mild Graphic descriptions 
Some of you have been asking for updates and asking how we have been and what you can do to help. I thought I'd update here at the bottom and let everyone know (who wants to know) what's going on. 

I took 3 different days of Cytotec. The first day I had bleeding and cramping, but nothing else. The second day I took it (a few days later), my body pretty much rejected the pills. They came out whole in my urine the next day. So that was weird. I called the doctor again and he said this would probably be the last time he would prescribe it to me before a D&C. Sunday night, before I took the last dose I just said a prayer that went something like, "Heavenly Father, Thank you for allowing me carry this baby for this long, but I need it gone, I want it out of my system so I can move on and process.." I fell asleep and an hour later I felt like I needed to push. It was the weirdest. I ran to the bathroom and within 20 seconds, everything came out. Everything. I started crying because of how much ..everything came out. I thought I was going to die of blood loss or something. It was scary. And sad. Sooo sad. But after it happened, I felt this wave of relief. Relief of my body from holding in so much pressure, but also relief of my mind. I didn't realize how much I needed that baby out and gone. I couldn't move on mentally or emotionally until that happened. The next day, I had my mom take the kids and had a day all to myself to just figure out what happened..relax..think..pray..and then from then on, I was able to move forward. I feel better, my body feels better..my mind isn't foggy, cloudy, sad, tired.. It's just been good. 
Good as it can be. 
I have lots of moments that just hurt still. I've seen a few March pregnancy announcements on facebook and that makes me a little sad because that was supposed to be me. But I also learned so much about that too. You never know what others are going through, especially if they don't choose to be vocal about it. I've learned so much about miscarriage terms, procedures, ect. I've connected with many people who have experienced exactly what I'm going through. People I'm close with. People I've never met. It's been a learning experience I hope I never have to go through again, but can honestly say I'm thankful for it because of everything I've learned. God is good. He loves me. He loves my family. He knew that baby was too perfect to be here on earth. I know that. Like I said, I still have moments, but seeing the bigger picture sure lightens it up a little. We call this baby our sunshine baby. It has shown us both to see the sunshine in everyday. There's so much to be thankful for and I've gone too long without appreciating the small things. 
So that's where we are right now. Some have asked if we will try again. Right now, we are just focusing on our two littles we have now. Time will tell. :)