![..karly from [kar plus[+] wade]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_tHjNMsJVGiPuhbbXOM4peGr0syNQR-E5Tc6zE6FGyKHcvUoA0T_44YmtkZ5xZlN03QGjzxzvE5X304NhBlqoDDV031wNeY8mi3b5Dp8JpMM75ygfHfSWNnTZM6UYL3IqLj2qPf55Z8a-Dx_HIUZg=s0-d)
I want to talk about something that has been heavy on my heart and mind lately. The term is called mommy guilt. Some moms get it from leaving their child too often, not playing with them enough, some get it because they feel inadequate...Some get it because they work and someone else tends their baby...there are multiple reasons.
When Ivy was 8 weeks old, I was able to leave her at the nursery at the gym while I went and worked out. At first, I was excited, because for the last 2 months, I was cooped up inside, all day everyday! I was excited to get out and socialize for an hour of my day. I was okay with it. Until another mom in a similar situation saw me at the gym and asked me where Ivy was. When I told her she was in the nursery, she said, "WOW, you are brave! I could never do that with my baby! I leave her with my mom when I come here, IF I ever get here!" And the whole drive home, I thought, "Am I a bad mom for leaving Ivy for an hour, with people I really don't know..?" I mean, my mom is across town and works..so who else would I leave her with? Maybe I don't need to be back at the gym yet..? So many thoughts.
Then I started student teaching and the other sixth grade teacher I found out was a huge crossfitter and she went everyday after school! I knew she had a daughter just barely older than Ivy in daycare, and I told her my situation. She told me that in order to be the best mom she could be, she needed time by herself..and that she was becoming healthy for herself, her husband and for her baby, so she could be a happier & healthier mom when she got home! I thought that was interesting! So I pondered.
I also feel mommy guilt over little things, like when Ivy is super grumpy, putting her down for another nap! Is that not silly!? I know she needs another nap, she knows she needs one, but I feel guilty for putting her down when she just woke up not even 3 hours before! Something inside me tells me that "she just went down, and you are just being lazy and don't want to deal with her!" And maybe sometimes that is true, but am I the only one who feels this way? I feel guilty when I give her tylenol, even though I also feel a motherly instinct come in that she's teething & know shes calmer after she has it!
I felt mommy guilt when I stopped nursing. I stopped when Ivy was 3 months, because I 1) wasn't producing enough which resulted in a very fussy and colicky baby. And 2) I was going back to finish my last semester of school (another major mommy guilt situation in and of itself) And I just couldn't figure out how to do both! That was rough!
I felt mommy guilt when I stopped nursing. I stopped when Ivy was 3 months, because I 1) wasn't producing enough which resulted in a very fussy and colicky baby. And 2) I was going back to finish my last semester of school (another major mommy guilt situation in and of itself) And I just couldn't figure out how to do both! That was rough!
Sometimes I feel it when she is on the floor playing with her toys and eating a snack & I'm on my phone checking instagram or facebook, or replying to photography e-mails, or hey, BLOGGING. Its just a tinge in my heart when I'm doing something like that, when I know I could be teaching her something, being on the floor playing with her, showing her how to do something new...the list goes on! Do I put my phone on hold until she takes a nap? Goes to sleep for the night? I need a good balance but it's so tricky!
I love being a mom! I love the open mouth kisses and the way she says "da-da!" (daddy) and "na-na!" (banana) and flails both arms when I walk into the room. I love driving in the car and looking back in the rear view mirror and saying to myself.."wow, I almost have a one year old! That child in that carseat is MINE!" I love to hear her babble, and I love to watch her fall asleep in my arms! I hope that whatever I am doing as a mom is enough! I hope that I can recognize all of her needs and wants and that Wade and I can meet them! I just wish I knew how to do everything right and that I could be capable of doing everything for her ALL the TIME!
I'm starting my new job in August and I have to find someone to watch Ivy. I know that since Wade is starting Grad school, we need a little extra income for these next couple years. I have loved being at home with my Ivy, and eventually I would love to be a stay at home mom! But I also love being able to have an education, and especially in my profession, being able to be home at a decent hour, & have holidays and summers off! I wish I didn't feel the need to have to justify everything I do that isn't 100% centered on Ivy, but I think in my religion, especially, working mothers are sometimes looked down upon. The family is such an important part of my church that mothers are supposed to be the nurturers. We are just doing what is right for our family at this time, and I have to move forward knowing that it's the right thing to do right now! Every situation is so different! I feel like I am a good mom, and I do the best I can do! But sometimes I don't feel like that is enough! I would love any advice anyone has as far as mommy guilt, being a working mom, being a stay at home mom..how do you do it all? And if you don't do it all, how do you feel like you are..or that you can?
8 comments:
Don't worry about it! I know I'm not a mom yet so my opinion might not be that important. But seriously though, I LOVE when I see moms pursuing their education and having a real legitimate life after a baby. I like when I see photos and other life interests on facebook in addition to adorable baby photos. It makes you more interesting and like your friend said, healthy and happy. Also, the behavior your gym friend is doing is called "helicopter parenting" and can be really bad for baby's development (look it up there is a bunch of cool research on it). Our generation (and our siblings generation) are the worst at perpetuating this idea that unless you hover like a helicopter around your little one, they are going to get screwed up somehow. But it is actually the other way around, hovering hurts their development in the long run. So I say, let your baby stay in the nursery with people who are going to take good care of her (or get fired). Let her eat dirt. Let her discover the world and other people in it. Let her play with other kids and get hurt and fall down. And absolutely give her tylenol when she's hurting! (Also, coming from the nurse, please give her her vaccines :) From what I can tell I think you are a great mom. And honestly, I think it is good when moms are chill and don't control every aspect of their child's life.
I am pretty sure you read my mind and I could have posted this on my blog haha I TOTALLY have had mommy's guilt! Personally I think it is a sign that you are an amazing mother, and the good worries you have for baby Ivy like taking care of her, helping her grow to be a beautiful woman inside and out! For me I had to do these things: 1. Never tell yourself you are a bad mother. It just puts more thoughts in your head of inadequacy, etc. And most of the things you are thinking about yourself aren't true. On a gospel note, Satan definitely has used this on me multiple times. 2. Don't compare yourself to others. Everyone is in a completely different situation but it can be hard not to look and see "oh they have it so good because..." Personally, for me it has been a difficult adjustment to be a stay at home mom. I am so use to being a busy body that some days I feel useless and that I am doing nothing with my life. BUT then I remember 3. Every mother has been given so many different talents, life experiences, and choices to face to help them become that mother those children need. They were sent to you for a reason right? :) For me I have noticed the more I let those little things build up I don't ever feel good enough to be a mother, why do I even have this responsibility? How sad is it that we get to that point of defeat so quickly! Seeing all you do Karly, your ambition, your work ethic, your ability to keep moving forward, Ivy is one lucky little girl :) You are doing great job for where you are at in your life and no one should tell you different.
I think every mommy feels guilty in some shape or form. Wether you are a stay at home mom or a working the guilt happens. I am a working mom and a teacher so we have a lot in common. I do not do it all and I don't have that expectation. My daughter is a happy, healthy little girl. I spend every waking hour with her when I am home and I leave shortly after work and bring my work home to do after she goes to bed. I have an amazing mom and husband that help with the mountain things and the around the house things so that I do not feel like I have to do it all. I do not think you are doing lesser of a job brining up and loving your child if you are a working mother, you are doing it to give them a good life. You will figure it out and everything will work out. Just know you are not alone :)
PS: Ivy is soooooo stinking cute :)
One word response to this post: AMEN.
Seriously, I feel like I wrote this myself.
I feel mama guilt nearly every single day. I have come to realize that it is how it is, no matter how hard I try. My mom keeps saying to me when I tell her I'm not feeling adequate enough that the fact that I feel mom guilt, and that I worry about EVERYTHING just proves that I am a good mom. And that helps me for a minute, until it comes back again ;) You are a great mom! And I totally agree that to be a good mom you have to take care of yourself first, including health. So if you take Ivy to the gym daycare for an hour, or you have to work to take care of your family, it is just going to make you a better mom! Love you Karly! :)
Oh and PS, I'm totally a "helicopter mom" and I don't care. I guarantee my kids will turn out just fine haha.
Karly,
We don't know each other at all (I found your blog hitting the "next blog" button from mine) but I wanted to comment on this. You are a fantastic mother. The fact that you had a child AND finished school while raising her is amazing. That takes an unbelievable amount of strength and drive and you are setting a great example for your daughter. Someday she'll read this, she'll know this story, and she'll think it's amazing that her mom was able to be a wife and a mother, plus get a college degree, plus get a good job with that degree, plus focus on being physically healthy and strong. She'll see that you worked to support your family so her father could pursue his dream of going to grad school, and she'll know that you're a devoted wife. She'll take all of that with her and someday, when she's a wife and a mom herself, she'll be just as strong as you are. And that is most definitely not something you should feel even remotely guilty about. But even the fact that you feel guilty shows how much you love and care for your daughter, and she'll know all that. Just remember that she's going to look up to you for the rest of her life, and everything you've done and felt guilty for only serve to make you an even better role model for her.
Dearest Karly,
Ever since I've met you, I've thought you were the coolest person ever! (And still think it too!) I'm no mom, but I hope to be as amazing of a mom as you one day! I don't know how you do it all, but you show me every day it is possible to be a mom and still take care of yourself! Thanks for being one of my very bestest friends and always motivating me to be the best I can be. Ivy couldn't ask for a better mom, and I couldn't ask for a better friend!
I totes love you!!!
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